Are Dismissive-Avoidants Evil? (NO!)
If you get a bunch of Anxious-Preoccupied folks in a room, eventually someone will suggest that maybe Dismissive-Avoidants are just bad people and should be barred from having relationships. (You will see this in certain forums and comments on the internet.) This is born of intense pain, but it is an incredibly damaging attitude because developing DA is nobody’s fault or intention.
Sometimes DA can be mistaken for narcissists or other behaviors that are intentionally dismissive or degrading, but DA by itself is a result of unconscious survival strategies and is not malicious.
A DA’s fears of being overwhelmed by someone else’s needs and expectations are just as unconscious and innocent as the AP’s fear of being alone. It is in fact just the opposite side of the exact same coin.
If you are DA, please know that it’s not your fault and you can heal. No matter what people on the internet say. APs can be incredibly mean when we are hurt, and that is our own attachment stuff (protest behavior), that we need to learn to be responsible for.
More questions about Attachment Styles
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Thank you! I didn’t choose to be dismissive-avoidant and I get so tired of all the vilification of people like me. I promise it’s not fun to be this way, it’s a direct consequence of having been let down so many times as a child that I can’t bring myself to rely on other people.