June 1, 2021 · Filed under Creativity

Day 2 and I’m Nervous (What Trusting the Process Looks Like)

I committed to a 30 day writing challenge. This is Day 2.

My super-fired-up energy of yesterday has turned into very-high-in-my-chest-nervous-energy. It’s not that I don’t have something to write about. It’s that I have 50 things to write about, and they are not coalescing into anything clear, specific, and actionable. All the words and ideas and pathways of thought are swirling around in my mind and I can’t find a thread to start with, or when I do, I just end up back in the wilderness of all the ideas.

While I would love to have some super magic way of managing that, the reality is that sometimes the only thing you can do with a something internal in the way is be with it, experience it, and give it time and space to exist.

In other words, accept it. Give that something a big ol’ bear hug and say It’s OK.

It’s OK to be nervous about writing again.
It’s OK to start a post and then leave it for later because the topic is too much to turn into a blog post in one day, and will probably end up being several different posts and you just are not in the right head space to figure that out right now.
It’s OK to feel confident about your ability to write impactful things, and also unsure of your ability to structure your writing and all the technical craft parts because you haven’t spent as much time learning those.
(Just writing this list, I’m starting to feel calmer)
It’s OK to feel scared that this scattered-nervous energy won’t dissipate and you won’t finish a post and you will fail on Day 2 for chrissake. Like, that’s actually perfectly normal and to be expected on Day 2. This is actually the point of a challenge, to encounter and work through things just like this.

Let’s focus on that. The point of the challenge is to encounter obstacles to finishing the challenge. Oh. Yeah. Good point. I knew that.

And I literally just wrote yesterday that the process matters. This is the process of writing. I’m in it right now.

Let’s keep going.

It’s OK to not know where the hell I am.
It’s OK to not know what the hell I’m doing.
It’s OK to not know where this is going.
It’s OK to not know how or if these exact words I’m writing right now will end up in a post or in my journal.
It’s OK to just feel what is true in this moment.

What is true in this moment?

I’m realizing how much vulnerability it takes for me to write.

The way that I write is not technical writing of a self-improvement process, although sometimes it can show up that way. The way I write is a kind of channeling experience of turning intuitive wisdom into words.

That’s what it’s always been. Which makes it a very intimate process. It’s often raw, and sometimes painful. And I never know where I’ll end up when I start.

It requires trust.

It relies on my relationship with this inner voice, the Muse, the Divine feminine, my Higher Self, whatever it is that gives me the words that end up on this page.

Which is why I get stuck so easily in my writing process, and why the only answer is to go have a chat with my feelings.

Or to sit down at the page and see what happens, without knowing where it will end up.

I drew a Tarot card to try to help me with my scattered-ness, and got the High Priestess, which is about exactly this. From The Tarot of Transformation:

“Like twilight, the Moon stands between darkness and light. It cycles between the two and is a symbol of change. Change is much more a central component of feminine consciousness than of masculine. Rather than deal with fixed patterns, the High Priestess works with the change that flows through everything”.

How do you work with change?

You see a 30-day challenge as a 30-day journey of deepening a relationship, not a 30-point list of tasks.
You anticipate and accept and enjoy the process of deepening that relationship.
You accept the variable and feeling-based nature of working this way.
You tend to the rest and self-care that makes receptivity possible.
You see “blocks” as deep mysteries to learn from, instead of obstacles in your way.
You accept that pain will be involved, and you will get through it.
You know and deeply trust that change is good.
You let go.
You let go of what the final form will look like, again and again.
You let go of ideals, and you hold your goals lightly.
You trust the process.
You trust that when you feel empty and no words come, they will come back.
You accept that you will have to remind yourself to trust the process, again and again.
You affirm the value of what you are doing, because you know you don’t live in a culture that does.
You recognize that you are co-creating with something so much larger than you and deeper than you that you probably won’t see the pattern until the end (or maybe not at all).
You let yourself be led.
You allow the “point” to emerge.
You train yourself to be present to yourself.
You stop and tune in when you notice yourself pushing for a result.
You value what is real and raw because that is what is alive.
You trust the timing will work itself out. You stop and eat when you’re hungry. You rest when you are tired.
You recognize that this is actually work, and requires sustenance.
(Hmm, I think this list is turning into me nudging myself to eat something).

(This is where I went to have a bowl of cereal and felt pretty darn awesome about myself and what I’m doing here. I’m telling you this because I want to normalize self-love and self-appreciation.)

So, let’s regroup. Am I feeling any less nervous and scattered?

Yes and no. Mostly I feel parallel feelings of calm and trust, but also still nervous. It was hard to focus on the Tarot card book enough to even read it. I also have some period cramps, and the cat is doing that thing where he gets aggressive toward my other cat and I have to go break them up and then I realize he’s hungry because he’s become afraid of his food dispenser and I have to coach him through using it. Again.

What is my point? I think it’s that creativity happens in the context of real life.

Which means listening to your intuition, your Soul, your Higher Self, your Muse, or whatever you want to call it, also needs to happen in the context of real life.

You don’t need to do a ritual. You just need to tune in, feel, and listen.

Sometimes that will lead to wisdom and answers and breakthroughs.

Sometimes it will just lead to feeling a little more settled, a little more confident, a little less scared, and a little more appreciation for being you and being alive.

But each conversation builds your relationship, builds trust, and shifts your perspective in the direction of thinking from the perspective of your Soul.

You never know what you will find when you go inside, but it is always better than banging your head against a door that is closed.

That’s all I’ve got today, folks. I’ll be here all week. 😁

(Just kidding) But I did run out of words at this point and decided to go for a walk.

There were lots of kids at the park. There was a little girl sitting on a bench eating a giant glazed donut. I waved at her. She waved back.

I felt alive. No, that’s not quite right. I felt part of life.

Our inner self is what connects us to everyone around us, and life itself.

Listening to it helps us stay connected. When we stop listening to it, we feel disconnected. I don’t think we are meant to live that way. I think we are taught to live that way. Which means we need to unlearn disconnection and relearn to listen. To be with ourselves.

So, what did we learn on this little jaunt?

It’s totally normal to feel nervous when you start something new.
I can feel nervous and still write, still listen, still create.
I am still developing my voice, my vibe, my process, my product, and that’s OK.
Not every post is going to be a manifesto.
When you are teaching personal growth, sometimes the process is the product. In fact, maybe it should be that way more of the time. #imnotyourguru
A reminder that hiding under ever rock of resistance is a world of deep wisdom.
Reaffirmation of what matters to me, who I am, and what I’m trying to do here.

I still can’t get my thoughts to coalesce enough to make a tidy conclusion. Sorry! I’m going to hit Publish anyway. 😁

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Hi there! I’m Emma and I write about self-liberation. My writing is meant to share my process & inspire your own. If you want more frequent/current writing, visit my Substack Sparkly Dark, where I’m unpacking my neurodivergence.

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Thanks so much for reading! ~Emma